One of my good friends told me that death is easier to accept when we have a concrete belief about what happens to us when we die, herein lies my problem. I don't have a solid belief system. I would love to think of a place where we all meet again in a paradise world on another level, but the bottom line is no one knows for sure, they call it faith for a reason. My father was a scientist, he believed in concrete research and support of theories, nothing was ever fact, just supported research, thus much of his belief system rubbed off on me. I have a hard time believing in something I can't see or read a published research article about. I am holding on to the basic concept of energy to help me accept the finality of death for the human.
Essentially we are all matter; so is the nightstand, the lamp, this keyboard, and my hot tea. All of these things are energy, the infinite compilations of the elements and their respective subatomic particles within each atom interact in a way to make something exist. Well, that energy has to go somewhere when it changes state, right? I am holding on to the idea that when energy leaves the body, when our life force stops it shifts either to a different place where it exists in a state that the human brain cannot even begin to fathom or is dispersed back in to our atmosphere and surrounds us. Both ideas are a comfort to me, but I especially like the latter. The idea that his energy surrounds us, complementing our energy adding his strength, knowledge, and intelligence to our own is deeply comforting. In either scenario he does not cease to exist, his energy now just exists in an altered state.
Yes, these thoughts are comforting to me. Yes, I feel that he is still here, and I especially feel it in my decisions, my thoughts, my strength and my convictions. I hear him in my thoughts daily telling me to "do this, or not that", "watch your tone" or "think it through". I never realized how many times a day I think of my father until now, how many times I pull my decision making and words from his education and guidance. I know he would not want me to go on and on about my grief and sadness, but rather to learn and accept from this experience. It is a daily process and I can hear him saying "Shell, you need to maintain the appropriate level of grief, but also set your sight on new goals of healing and acceptance. Research and study those avenues so that you will be best prepared for this journey."
I am Daddy, I am.
